My Journey Shattered by Trauma

Imagine this, imagine you are walking along on your life’s journey grateful for everything around you. You look forward and see your path for miles there is so much beauty, but the occasional weeds and thorns block your way. Life is a journey, and you have endured hard things, so you know that you will overcome these weeds and thorns and that your trip will continue as you watch for the beauty along your path.

Mid-stride with no warning everything around you disappears, you can see nothing, everything becomes black, dark and cold, and all of a sudden you feel yourself slipping you try so hard to find your footing, but in one big swoop you start falling. You begin to fall, and you can’t grasp anything as you plummet swiftly downward, there is nothing around you to hold on to. Every once in a while you hit a hard object that sends you into a spinning circle, you know at this point you are breaking through every object and every lie, and it is ripping through your broken, tired body and tearing it apart. You are sick to your stomach, and the rate of your speed is picking up, you have no idea when, where or how you are going to hit. Your body is experiencing horrible sensations that you never knew you could feel, or any human could endure.

Where is the light you once saw that beautiful journey is flashing through your head, heart, and soul? As your chest begins to compress and the pressure of the fall starts to suffocate you, you start to wonder if the speed of the fall will make your heart stop.  At this point as your journey is ripped from your grasp you are praying to have your heart stop the unknown is too scary, and you feel you have no reason to live or the power to breath.

Your reality is taken away, and you have no idea what life is, what life was, and what life is going to be. All you know at this moment is it will never be the same, and the journey behind you feels like a lie, like nothing you have lived for the past 13 years was real. Your chest feels tight, and your limbs feel numb, you begin to black out, pass out from the pain, that pain almost slows your fall through this dark place. That pain makes it feel like this fall is never going to stop.

Then in one swift moment, you smack something so hard that for sure you know your dead for sure you know life is over and your journey your reality is gone. You lay there lifeless helpless with a body that is broken and a heart that is shattered. It is so dark in this hole you don’t know if you should try to get up or just lay there, every time you move something burns or stings, so you hold as still as you possibly can. If you don’t move, if you don’t breathe nothing should hurt. But then the sting of losing everything you thought you knew begins to throb, and you start to feel alone. Your faith has been shaken to the very core, your dreams have been ripped from your very hands, and your hope is nowhere to be found.

You feel so alone you begin to freeze, your cold, and short of breath. You know with no doubt in your mind that this will be the death of you, this will be the end, but where is it, where is the end? Why are you still wheezing, why is your broken heart slowly beating? You need it to be over, you need to get out of this black hole and see the light that you have heard about through death. You don’t care, at this point, you don’t care because as you lay there with open wounds oozing with grief, pain, and sorrow just moving hurts.

With your shaken faith and no known foundation, you begin to pray, but you start to pray for someone, anyone else, to end your pain and sadness. At this point you can’t see, you know you are miles, millions of miles away from that path that beautiful journey you were on, and you have no clue how to get you back. You lay there for days, weeks but it seems like years. Your ears are plugged, and you can’t hear anything, you can’t see anything after what seems like an eternity of sorrow, pain, loneliness, and sadness you think you hear a muffled noise. You painfully move your head around to find the cause of this sound, but you still can’t see anything you have no idea who you are, where you are and how you got there. Meaning how you got to this point in your marriage without knowing it even existed.

Well, that was my summer shortly after I gave birth to my second child, my thirteenth pregnancy, I found out about my husband’s infidelity and the reality that my life as I thought it was, was never what I thought. I knew I was a tough girl and had endured things that I thought would be the tip of my trials in my life. Oh man, I had no idea what was about to unravel these next few months. I had found small things out about Rex a little over two years ago right before his dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. This started a slippery slope, and almost a year later to the month I found out about a porn addiction Rex had been fighting since 14 years old. One week after my discovery of his porn and some emotional affairs his Dad was put on hospice, and that took precedence in our now breaking marriage.

The pain that was caused by the loss of his Dad and the education that both of us lacked in sex addiction took his pain mismanagement to a whole new level of Rex’s addiction, and a couple of unsupportive friends caused the deepest pain that would once exist in our marriage. I know what you are thinking right now, you are shocked, maybe even as much as I am. Not Rex, I could never picture Rex doing something like that. He is the best father and husband, devoted to his marriage, children, and dreams. Believe me the shock for myself is an everyday battle but the help and guidance we have received through this now black journey will NOT go unshared.

Here you might go with the judgments and that is ok, I have been there. Especially if you have not experienced infidelity, sex addiction or betrayal trauma. You may be thinking

How could she share this?

Why is she still with him?

I would never stay with someone that would do that!

What kind of marriage did they have?

How could she not know?

Why would he do this to her?

How could someone do this to someone they love?

I would never tell someone about my spouse’s affairs!

The judgments go on and on, and that is ok they are fear driven. I hear on almost an hourly basis “If my spouse ever did that to me I would be gone?” Oh believe me I know I said that so many times and even Rex thought it. That fear fed his addiction even more because he knew if I knew, all would be lost to him. Just so you know we are not in the clear this still could be the end of us, but as long as Rex chooses us and stays accountable, together, we will fight this addiction. This battle has caused us to see the depths of depression the tips of suicide and the sorrow that so many people feel but should not have too.

So really why would I share the HELL I have been living in for quite some time now? I will tell you why the deeper I get into this education on sex addiction, porn addiction, and betrayal trauma the more I see people running, marriages and families falling apart, and Satan winning. Satan’s goal on this earth is to hit and break up every home and family he can, especially the ones that have tiny cracks in a broad but seemingly solid foundation. Satan spills his black poison into that small microscopic crack, and the corrosion begins. He works slowly but surely over time, and he feeds on every doubt, every secret, every fear, and every lie. Once he is sure to have turned the entire seemingly solid foundation to the greasy black poisonous quicksand, he begins to gloat. We have to fight the new drug, those who are willing to take the risk and overcome their shame have to start sharing and helping when they are able too.

If it were not for a friend I danced with in high school putting her story out there, then I would have not known that, if an addict can stay in recovery, and we both seek help then we may have hope.

I am sharing to share the knowledge we have gained the things we have learned and are learning. The steps we are making in our individual recoveries to hopefully one day help us repair our broken marriage and injured family. I will continue to share over time the journey as Rex battles his sex addiction and I recover from betrayal trauma.

You ask again why would I share this horrific situation? Well because after months, days and hours of therapy I refuse to sweep another case under the rug, and most importantly Rex has come so far in his accountability and recovery that he also feels the need to help others understand that this plague will not only destroy your soul, but it will ruin everything you touch. Just so you know, we are still broken and fragile, but as I have shared my situation and steps in recovery with others, it has helped myself and my family recover.

I want to share with others the damage of shame, the damage of secrets, and the damage of lies. My opinion is: everything you hold in that you are ashamed of will fester, and eventually hurt you and all of those around you. Writing my story is heavy and takes time so every week I will release a little more on our situation and recovery. Just because the time it takes to write I will also continue my blog as usual with the things and people that have helped me through this horrific discovery and journey. Don’t worry I can see the light above my black hole and I can look at the flowers blooming over the edges. I do stand on a trap door with my marriage, but for my recovery, I am finding my way up and out.  I could go on and on forever in our journey and most likely will have a novel done after all is said and done, but for myself and Rex we will take it in small doses. So here is a list below that we will be addressing our situation, our recovery and the knowledge we have gained and continue to do so.

The dance I immediately started to choreograph about my betrayal and the beautiful dancers that have helped me through my recovery with dance therapy

The connection you need in any relationship

The program and therapists that have helped us get back on our feet

Lucky 13! The baby that saved my marriage to this point and the effects of legalizing full-term abortion had on me.

Parent and Child Connection

Triggers

The myths about sex addiction

The myths about betrayal trauma

The reasons people have affairs

Why I want to be a prude

Stop the justification

My dance discovery and journey with my inspirational dance company and the change that will see

How I found my faith again in trauma

The effects of trauma and PTSD, yes it really causes PTSD?

Steps we have taken of recovery for the sex addict, the porn addict, and the person being betrayed

What I am learning about self-care

The role forgiveness plays

How dance has helped me through

My betrayal poem

Learning how to set and keep boundaries

Bottom lines

Stop the minimization

How much work recovery really is and then marriage

What got me through

Who got me through

Our in-home separation

How Rex is doing now

How we have worked with RJ in our situation

The role of family and friends have played

Why you should stop avoiding these uncomfortable topics and conversations

Living in the light

How to be vulnerable

How comparing yourself to others only hurts your recovery

Dance Therapy

How justifying feeds your sorrow

10 Things every girl should know

Women Empowering Women

 

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