My heart has never been more broken as it is today, a foundation I thought I would always have, has slowly been destroyed. Thanks to the perseverance of Satan himself, he has succeeded for a brief moment to pull me down and I have succumbed to his determined effort. I know right? How could I, Misty Frisbey, the director of an inspirational dance company called “God’s Messenger’s” surrender to such persistence from Satan and his evil power. Oh wait I know how, because no matter what I appear to be, I am only human. I am not invincible, I am not unbreakable, I am not indestructible, and sometimes I am just not durable.
In fact for the past few years I have been extremely fragile, and I have never doubted my worth so much as I have then. I have been stuck on the opinions of others and what they think of me, and sometimes with the help of Satan it just takes the right person or the right opinion to completely shatter an already cracked soul. I have had weeks of sleepless nights over troubling actions and words that are haunting my fragile existence, and the guidance I am seeking on how I should deal or react has been slow to come. As I have grown I learned not to react when I am in a heightened emotional state, and I have been waiting for months to feel at peace. The peace I find is usually felt when my heart, spirit and head unit for the same conclusion. Over these past few months the pain and hurt that I have been avoiding has continued to grow and break me bit by bit, I stand today completely shattered.
This heartbreak has brought up the emotions and memories I have not faced in years, so again I apologize for going there, but I need people to know that even the ones that you think are so unbreakable can be shattered to pieces with the right tools. I am not constantly feeding the social media world with rays of hope, because I am strong and invincible, but doing it to give me courage and strength because I am fragile and breakable.
I have been praying for guidance in making the hardest decision in my life, and pray for patience. Even though my answer has not been completely received, I know without a doubt that God is there and his plan is revealed through time. So I continue to ask, please give me strength and the ability to pick up my pieces and put them back together. I am persistently praying in appreciation for everything I have, but it has switched from gratitude to absolute desperation. Thank goodness I have the power to know that through my biggest struggles I have been given the ability to endure. What I have been faced with today is not something I ever imagined I would see in a lifetime, but the presence of evil is vivid in our world and we need to try to overcome it. I have had very few trials that have collapsed me with such similar sorrow and despair, and completely shattered myself. Hopefully someday I will be able to write the things I learned from these moments, and the light that brought be through.
The morning I received a phone call telling me that my best friend, my confidant was killed in a tragic accident was one of those moments. I was young and we were together 24/7, so I was very broken and destroyed by the life she was robbed. She was the most honest and kind person I knew, and she was taken away just like that. Instead of facing my sadness I ran from my life for a moment, and lost sight of the beautiful gospel I was raised to love. Another one was the day I had to tell the man I loved, with all my heart, that I was leaving him. Because of an addiction I no longer had the strength to help him fight. After years of effort I felt like I was giving up, but that answer had come after 8 hours on my knees in a true surrender to everything I wanted and a humbled soul to accept what I needed. I asked for a slap in the face kind of answer, and that is exactly what I got because divorce was something I committed I would never be a part of no matter what. It was through this moment that I knew I could never question if God was real, and I am grateful for that comfort. I was faced with shorter moments of this intense grief with every miscarriage I had. The final moment of my last surrender was the day I let myself believe, even though I knew deep in my heart as I watched a beautiful young mother give birth to an incredible child, that she wasn’t mine to keep. I left the hospital empty handed, once again fighting for his will not mine. I collapsed in the parking lot as all the emotions that I had hid for so long came busting through my body. I sat there completely shattered with not even the strength to get in my car.
It was these moments that after much resistance I allowed God to take control of my life, and was reminded that it is his plan not mine. I promise it would have been easier to become a victim to the pain I felt, let my wants take over my situation, and my guilt blame others for my sorrow. It still would be easier today to take back the control, but the things I need to see and learn would not be given to me if I did not allow God to let me grow. I want to share what I believe, because I have found the deepest darkest times of my life more manageable with faith.
These moments are now hindsight and the knowledge I’ll never forget. I know and understand without a doubt in my mind that they were not my will, but God’s Plan. These things have helped me become a stronger person today, and have taught me compassion for others, because you never know the fragile state they’re in. These moments have made me appreciate all things that make or break my soul. I know I made it through these endless moments even when I had nothing left to give. I have endured and I have been blessed, this is something I can always remember. I have survived and i have learned, but I can’t I kick this gloomy heartbreak. If I am so sure that God exists, why am I questioning His will right now?
I am very proud of who I am and the woman I strive to be, but I have never been so hesitant to continue on the path that God has asked of me. I know right? It sounds just as crazy in my head as it does typing it out. I am questioning my faith, because through my current situation it would be easier to accept my own will and desires. I fear to accept my will, because it then would be to easy to become a victim to my life and find blame in others for my situation. I need my faith because it reminds me that my choices affect others, and God is who helps me to chose good over evil. God, his plan, and the sacrifice of his only begotten Son, are the hope I need to mend my completely shattered soul.
I have had several people close to my heart who have pushed me away because I have stood strong in my faith. I just like them placed blame on my church and its members when I left, and the culture of judgmental people, that I felt attended. It is now through the strength of my faith I am given hope and love for others, but most of all the power to repent for my own mistakes. The commitment to my faith does not give me the ability to believe I have reached some sort of perfection superior to others and judge or ridicule them, but through it I have found hope for the sinner I am, and the help and comfort I need to survive this retched world. I know my worth is great thanks to the sacrifice of my Savior, Jesus Christ.
I understand and know that I am not the best mother, wife, studio director, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, employee, and friend, but God will be my judge someday and I will face him with an open heart. Understand that everyday I strive to be better at the things I know need work, and I will get credit for my eternal effort. I am striving to teach my son, take care of my husband, be kind to those who love me, and press on through the things that I am facing today.
I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and this gives me the power to stand beside you, not on top of you or below you. We are all equal!
I do not require any of my friends to have a unity in faith, but I will keep you at a great distance if we cannot have a unity in love.